Once Upon a Time Dating

I expected to love the movie Ted for a couple of reasons. First of all, I love Family Guy and Seth MacFarlane’s sense of humor in general, so I knew the writing would be hilarious. Also, I am proud to say that I am almost twenty years old and still sleep with the same stuffed doll I have slept with since I was a baby. So yeah, I felt like I would probably get where this main character’s coming from. All in all, I went into the theater expecting to see a very funny movie. What I didn’t expect was that I would be laughing out loud (which I never do) the entire time, and also be touched by the story. I have so many favorite parts/ quotes from this movie, but my favorite is probably: “I told my weed guy to step it up and he gave me that… it’s called ‘Mind Rape’, it’s actually pretty mellow. He only had three other batches: ‘Gorilla Panic’, ‘They’re coming, they’re coming!’, and something called ‘This is permanent’.”

This post is dedicated to the housewives of (in my opinion) the three best shows of all time: The Sopranos, Mad Men, and Breaking Bad. Carmela, Betty, and Skyler- this one’s for you depressed betches.

Even though these three shows seem vastly different, they are actually quite similar. They all star leading men keeping secrets from the world: Tony Soprano is a mob boss, Don Draper is really Dick Whitman, and Walter White is a meth kingpin. The shows examine how their secrets alter how they relate to others, but mostly how they relate to their families. This is where their wives come in- the blonde bombshells.

Of all of the wives, Carmela is undoubtedly the most screwed up. Which is interesting, considering she is also the only one who went into her marriage completely aware of who her husband really is. In fact, it was Tony’s money and flashiness that drew her in to begin with. The series featured Carmela’s struggle between her materialism and her desire for a normal life not constantly surrounded by danger.

Skyler has a similar struggle, but it is easier to sympathize with her because unlike Carmela, she didn’t ask for it. She married a nerdy, doting, uncomplicated high school chemistry teacher who was unexpectedly diagnosed with cancer. This, in addition to a midlife crisis, led him to start cooking meth and ultimately becoming “the one who knocks”: Heisenberg. The major difference between Carmela and Skyler is that Carmela turned the other cheek to Tony’s business, but Skyler got involved. Upon learning her husband’s secret, Skyler started laundering their money and demanded to be in the know.

Betty is the most similar to Carmela. Although Betty didn’t know her husband was casually faking his identity when she married him, she was attracted to his mysterious nature and his money. Don is also (obviously) the sexiest of all the husbands, and Betty understandably couldn’t resist his looks and charm. Betty always knew something was off with Don though. But, like Carmela, she turned the other cheek for a while because he gave her everything she wanted: a beautiful home and an easy lifestyle. Carmela and Betty both also attended therapy, but Skyler never did (or hasn’t, yet).

Each of the women left their husbands at one point for other men. Carmela left Tony for a while and slept with her son’s guidance counselor, Skyler left Walt and slept with her boss, and Betty full on divorced Don and married Henry. But Carmela and Skyler took their husbands back, and if you ask me Betty will eventually wind up with Don again too. What keeps drawing these women back in? Are they just dumb blondes, or are they being smart and acting out of self-interest? What do you think their similarities say about pop culture’s representations of women?

I just have to preface this post by saying that it opened with a song by “Knife Party”, AKA my favorite DJ. Ugh, I died. It played while Walt was parking his and Walter Jr.’s new extravagant cars in the driveway while Skyler’s station wagon was parked on the sidewalk. Walt Jr. is really becoming a junior version of Walt, RIP Flynn.

Honestly, I felt so bad for Skyler this entire episode. I look back on earlier seasons and see how confident and self-aware she was, and when I look at her now she is just a shriveled up, former version of herself. When Walt and Walt Jr. asked Skyler to make the “one” bigger on the “51” she was making in bacon on Walt’s plate, I thought back to an earlier episode of Breaking Bad. Skyler and Walt Jr. were at the kitchen table, and Walt Jr. told Skyler that he preferred Raisin Bran Crunch over plain Raisin Bran. Skyler sassily told Walt Jr. that if that was the cereal he wanted, he could go to the supermarket and buy it himself. What would that woman say to the woman Skyler has become?

As Walt and Skyler are getting ready for bed, she casually mentions that maybe Walt Jr. should attend boarding school in Arizona. Although Walt’s point that it wouldn’t really make sense for him to transfer the year before college technically made sense, Walt is so self-involved that he doesn’t even recognize Skyler’s fear behind the question: that her children will get involved in her husband’s mess.

THE SCENE WHERE WALT LEFT WORK EARLY TO GO TO HIS “SURPISE PARTY”….this was the first time throughout this ENTIRE series that I was actually rooting against Walt. I was literally praying to the screen that there was no surprise party waiting for him. The dick doesn’t deserve it. I was so satisfied when Walt Jr. was just watching TV and Skyler was heating up roast chicken. Yeah, take that Heisenberg.

And then, the pool scene. As Skyler started approaching the pool she reminded me of the character Opehlia in Hamlet. Yes, I’m aware of how tool-ish that sentence just sounded, but really think about it: Ophelia descends into madness and decides to kill herself by drowning. But as Walt was carrying on about how supportive everyone has been since he was diagnosed with cancer and Skyler started slowly walking into the pool, I thought about another gem from pop culture: The Sopranos. When AJ tried to drown himself no one was around, he had a cinderblock, a rope, and a garbage bag around his head. It was a cry for help and an authentic, premeditated, suicide attempt. Skyler tried to “drown herself” in front of her husband, sister, and brother-in-law, with no cinderblock, rope, or garbage bag in sight. This act was clearly not premeditated- she was just so nauseated by Walt that she decided to impulsively make a statement. To be honest, I’m surprised Hank and Marie saw it as a cry for help. If Skyler were my sister, I would be wondering why on her husband’s birthday, as he tearfully discussed his plight against cancer, she decided to do that: I would start questioning Walt, not Skyler.

Nonetheless, Skyler suggests that Marie and Hank take the kids for a while so she and Walt could “work things out”, so ultimately her plan worked and the kids are removed from the house. The scene in the bedroom with her and Walt was heartbreaking to watch. Skyler is nothing like Carmela Soprano- she had no idea what she was getting herself into when she married Walt. In fact, not only did she have NO idea she was marrying a future meth kingpin, but she thought she was marrying a nerdy, gentle, high school chemistry teacher. The only thing Skyler has left is smoking cigarettes… because every cigarette Skyler smokes represents being one day closer to Walt’s lung cancer coming back, and one day closer to her freedom.

Although this episode was mostly about Walt’s personal life, there were developments in his new meth business as well. I mean, first and foremost, he’s back to wearing the Heisenberg hat. You don’t look cool Walt, you look like an asshole. Also, Jesse meets with Lydia to get the barrel of methylamine but it appears that the DEA is tracking the barrel, so he leaves without it.

Ultimately, Mike decides that Lydia planted the tracking device on the barrel and he has no choice but to kill her. Jesse might just be the only morally sound character left on this show, so he protests killing her by saying that Mike could be wrong. This was a frantic scene of yelling and blocking doors, and Walt just sat silently in the corner stroking his Heisenberg hat. My bet: Walt planted the tracker. My next bet: Walt’s pissing off way too many people and is going to get himself killed. The episode ended with the clock ticking… and then it faded to black.

I’ve wanted to write a post about the show The Real L Word for a while, and in light of the new Chic Fil A controversy I thought it would be the perfect time.

Personally, I don’t even understand why gay rights are a discussion. Gay people are human beings and therefore deserve the same human rights we are entitled to. The constitution says that we all have the right to pursue happiness, and if happiness for someone means marrying another person of the same gender, who cares? I never woke up one day and decided to be straight, so clearly someone who is gay never woke up one morning and just decided to be gay. Some of us are born fat, some skinny, some with brown hair, some with blonde, and some of us like boys and some like girls. One thing that we are all born with is the desire to love and be loved. So to deny someone of that is unfair. Period.

That being said, after watching The Real L Word on Showtime, which is a series that documents the lives of a group of lesbian women, my belief in gay rights was reinforced even more. These women are trying to have babies, get married, find themselves, and do everything we are ALL trying to do. What I love most about the show is that it rarely even discusses gay rights- it’s just a show about interesting women who happen to be lesbians. It is on Thursday nights at 10:00 pm, and is a show I recommend that everyone should watch.

When my mom told me her elementary school was segregated, I was shocked. I look forward to the day when I tell my kids that there was a day when gay people couldn’t get married, and they are shocked.

I just want to put up a disclaimer before this post that what I am about to say has nothing to do with my politics. I actually really like Obama in a lot of ways, but he recently made a statement that offended me PERSONALLY, so I have to say something.

Everyone who knows me knows that my middle name should probably be Bravo. I am obsessed with the Real Housewives, Andy Cohen, and the channel in general. So when Obama recently said that Americans should stop watching the Real Housewives and start doing our homework or something, I was outraged.

The Real Housewives is an escape. I don’t watch it because I think it is groundbreaking and artistic television- I watch Mad Men and Breaking Bad for those reasons. What Obama doesn’t realize is the pressure that teens are under these days. The competition today is not even close to what it used to be- so if after a long day of going to class, going to the library, doing homework, studying, and reading I feel like curling up in my bed and watching Theresa flip over a table, what is so wrong with that? Moreover, by Obama making a statement against an entire television network, he is essentially saying that countless jobs and hours of work that go into making this network function are meaningless. If we all stopped watching Bravo, what would happen to the interns, production assistants, producers, etc. who work for this network? Are their jobs less important than anyone else’s?

I understand that Obama believes the Real Housewives are promoting materialism and wealth that hasn’t been earned. But to that I would like to ask Obama, who has been vocal about how much he enjoys watching and playing basketball, what about the professional basketball players who make millions for throwing a ball in a hoop? Don’t those athletes promote materialism and wealth that hasn’t been earned? But professional sports are an escape, so it’s ok, right?

Obama just came out defending gay marriage, and Bravo is at the forefront of network television promoting homosexuality and gay rights. So, in my opinion, maybe he should have researched more about what this channel does before coming out against it.

I loved this episode. It had all of the elements of a classic episode of Breaking Bad: uneasiness, humor, symbolism, and good ol’ cooking meth.

But I do have to say, Walt has surpassed evil and has just become a complete tool. I mean seriously, he’s a douchebag. The episode started with him moving back in without Skyler’s knowledge, and just nonchalantly telling her it would work out with a smug smile on his face. When he pushed her clothes aside and just threw in his own items I was almost screaming at the screen telling Skyler to punch him in the face at that very moment.

Mark my words people: Mike will win an Emmy next year for his performance this season. He is a combination of all of the best qualities in Walt and Gus: smart and ambitious, but also careful and aware. I also loved what Walt said about Mike to Saul and Jesse when they met before visiting potential new meth labs: “He threatened Jesse. He probably threatened someone before breakfast. It’s what he does. Grow a pair.”

When Walt, Jesse, Mike, and Saul were touring potential new labs, I knew that they wouldn’t make the same mistake they made with Gus and develop a permanent lab that they go to every day. It’s way too risky and would also be redundant- so when they decided to start cooking in people’s houses being exterminated, I thought it was brilliant. Is it just me, or do you sometimes wonder if actual meth dealers watch this show and are getting ideas? I always wonder if people who watch Dexter are actual murderers watching the show to get some tips, and I have similar concerns watching Breaking Bad. So to all the people who get their houses exterminated for termites in the future, meth will probably be cooked in your home. Just a warning.

Marie’s lunch with Skylar started out as a scene of Keeping Up With the Kardashians would: some sisters eating salads, drinking diet coke, and gossiping. Interestingly it also ended the same way, with one of the sisters going bat shit crazy. But Skylar’s only problems are not just that her husband is Scott Dissick and her daughter’s name is Peneople… her husband is a meth dealer with cancer, she has two children to take care of, her ex-boyf is in the hospital because she put him there after cooking his books and sending creepers to his house, and she kind of looks like she’s gained some weight. Therefore it wasn’t surprising when Skyler started lighting up and screaming “shut up” at Marie repeatedly.

I saw on my guide’s description of this episode: “Walt confesses to Marie”, and got really excited that he would tell her he cooks meth. Alas, it’s only the beginning of the second to last season, so I subconsciously knew that wouldn’t happen. After his conversation with Marie, Walt knew his wife was upset in her bedroom after just having a mental breakdown, and he just casually scrolled into the kitchen, bit into an apple, and chilled out with his kids watching Scarface. Way to be compassionate Walt- this furthered your douchebaggery. Skyler’s face when she saw her family watching a movie that basically portrays who Walt has become was EPIC… Anna Gunn should win the Emmy for her facial expressions alone.

The scene with Walt and Jesse relaxing on the couch and drinking some beers was refreshing, because it was one of the first times I saw Walt treating Jesse as his equal. He was inquiring about Jesse’s relationship, talking about Brock (who Walt awkwardly met and sat on a couch with after low-key poisoning him), but then revealed his true intentions: he just wanted to find out if Jesse told Andrea about their operation. And likely was only pushing marriage because a wife can’t testify against her husband in court. Congrats Walt, I’m beginning to hate you.

And then, the final scene. Walt’s sense of entitlement to the money was beyond childish and really proved to me that while this man is a brilliant scientist, he is no businessman. He clearly doesn’t understand that there are many people who go into not only making this operation function, but function without police involvement. Walt walks away upset with $117,00 after one cook, and seems to forget that when this show started he was making only $45,000 dollars a year as a high school chemistry teacher. It’s wonderful to see how mature Jesse has grown over the past five seasons, but incredibly frightening to see how Walt’s ego has grown even more.

Sidenote: I miss meth-head Wendy. Like a lot.

My sister made me watch Requiem for a Dream last night, and I have to say it was the most frightening movie I’ve seen in a while. Chloe and I have this thing where after we see a movie sometimes we will say it “changed” us, because it was so weird and horrifying (examples from the past include Camp, Taxi Driver, Fight Club and Black Swan) and this movie was the epitome of that. I’m going to be honest, while the Jennifer Connelly/ her unknown boyfriend/ one of the Wayan’s brother’s story lines were terrifying, nothing scared me more than Sarah Goldfarb’s (Ellen Burstyn) storyline. Maybe because when you see people on heroin you know they are going to screw up their lives, but you never think that diet pills can really mess someone up. The image of her on the train in that red dress will probably haunt me forever, and definitely gave me nightmares last night. Darren Aronofsky has a true talent for portraying peoples’ downward spirals into madness (and for wearing scarves), and I think Sarah Goldfarb’s story is his best. Also, I just have to mention that Jennifer Connelly had ombre hair in this movie and it was made almost 13 years ago, so props to the costume designer for being really fashion forward. I guess Sarah kind of had ombre hair too, but it was more gray-red than brown-blonde.

What movies are so freaky they have “changed” you?

I know this post might receive some negative commentary, but I’m ok with it. I’m going to tell you all why I love the Kardashians- and not in the “love to hate” them way, I actually love them.

First of all, say what you want about them, but they are ambitious. Maybe they didn’t get famous in the most classy way possible, but once they became famous they could have had their fifteen minutes and been over- but they have become an empire and the most powerful and wealthy family in America. So when people say they have no talent, I say that they are talented at making money. I don’t know about you, but that’s a talent I wouldn’t mind having.

Also, they are AWARE of how ridiculous they are. If you watch their shows, they always talk about how they miss when they dressed themselves, lived more modestly, and weren’t so insanely famous. In one scene Kim was videochatting with Khloe and said, “We try so hard now it’s embarrassing.” I agree that they dress outrageous and pull crazy publicity stunts, but at the end of the day they are a tight knit family who is aware that they are doing all of this for the job. They are all in it together, and there is something endearing about that.

They are also hilarious. I remember I realized how much I truly loved them when there was a scene in Kim’s apartment in one of the earlier seasons, and she had a framed picture of Khloe’s DUI mug shot on her kitchen counter. I turned to my sister, who also happens to be named Chloe, and told her I would do the same thing if she ever had a mug shot. Maybe you have to have our sense of humor to understand why I find that hilarious, but I just think that if you can’t make fun of your family members who can?

Most importantly, they are all always there for each other. You hear a lot about Kim’s ass, her boyfriends, and Bruce Jenner’s plastic surgery- but one thing you never hear about are feuds among the family members. I find it incredible that in a family with five sisters, one brother, two husbands (counting Scott as a husband), one baby out of wedlock, a mother like Kris Jenner, and a stepfather with many other children, you never hear about family feuds. Kourtney, Kim, and Khloe have never stopped supporting each other, and I think that says a lot about their character.

Mason is also the most adorable little thing I have ever seen and I am kind of in love with him.