Four months ago my two-year relationship ended….but it wasn’t really a relationship. We didn’t call each other boyfriend and girlfriend. We didn’t meet each other’s families. We didn’t meet each other’s friends. We didn’t become “exclusive” until a year and a half in.
But we loved each other. We spent almost every weekend together. We shared something special, something that I still miss.
But it was unhealthy. Because we both didn’t really owe each other anything. He could go a week without speaking to me and I couldn’t say anything- he wasn’t my boyfriend, after all. I could sleep with other people and he couldn’t say anything- I wasn’t his girlfriend, after all. We constantly ended things because the dynamic became so toxic, but always came back because it was comfortable and easy.
For some people this kind of relationship might work, I thought I was one of them for a while. I thought I was being “progressive” and that labels were stupid. Who cares as long as I’m happy being with him? The lack of certainty only made the whole thing that much more exciting.
But it became like a drug addiction. I knew it was bad for me, I knew it was hurting me, but I couldn’t stop. I would beg him to just end it and leave me alone, but he wouldn’t let me go.
If you have found, or find yourself in a similar situation, just know that I hear you. I know your friends are telling you to just move on. They are telling you that you deserve more. They are telling you to stop settling. You probably feel crazy and stupid and ashamed. But you aren’t. And you aren’t alone.
My relationship only ended because it became so emotionally harmful for both of us that he finally pulled the plug. And the most painful part of the break-up wasn’t really that I was broken up with; don’t get me wrong, I was incredibly heartbroken, but actually slightly relieved it was finally over. The hardest part was that I was mourning a relationship that wasn’t even validated as an actual relationship. Even harder was feeling like an idiot for tolerating so much agony over something so ambiguous.
I am still processing my feelings about everything and am certainly not in a place to give advice with much authority. But with some time and distance from the relationship I want to share some advice for anyone that has gone through, or is going through something similar: do not put your standards in someone else’s hands. Do not prioritize the desires of someone else at the expense of losing yourself. Relationships are not 50/50. They’re 100/100. You have to give all that you’re capable of giving to your partner and expect that in return. Staying is a choice. I know you feel powerless, terrified, hopeless even when you know that it’s over but you stay and stay and stay and try and try and try some more only to come to the same heartbreaking conclusions. Love yourself above anyone else and love yourself enough to leave.
Once Upon a Time Dating 