I recently read an amazing self-help book titled, It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken by Greg & Amira Behrendt (the same authors that wrote He’s Just Not That Into You. Instead of making this a book review or recommendation (I know most of my readers don’t have time for that) I am just going to summarize my takeaways.
First of all, as the title states, it’s called a breakup because it’s broken. Even though it hurts like hell and frightening questions will be swirling through your brain at a million miles an hour (Why did it end? What could I have done differently? How can a relationship just break with no warning? Did I sabotage it? Is he thinking about me? Does he miss me? Will I meet someone else? Will we get back together? What harm can one text do? etc.), the first step to getting over a breakup is ACCEPTANCE. This is going to hurt. For a while. There is no quick fix for the sting of heartbreak and it is hard not to take it personally. But just because the relationship is broken doesn’t mean YOU are broken.
A point addressed in the book that I would like to reiterate here is an answer to a question I get asked on Instagram a lot: “It’s been a while since the breakup, why does it still hurt?” For many, it seems as though time is standing still. The bullshit coined in “Sex and the City” that it takes half the time of a relationship to get over it is simply incorrect. The truth is that there is no formula one can apply to the heart. I think the time it takes to feel better about a breakup is directly proportional to the time it takes to feel better about yourself. I also think a component of lingering heartbreak is what I like to refer to as “Revisionist Romance Disorder” (RRD). RRD causes one to rewrite their relationship to match the feelings they want to have about it. The guy that wouldn’t introduce you to his friends becomes “just closed off”. The one that always kept you at arms length “just had intimacy issues”. The one that forgot your birthday was “just busy with work”. If you truly want to move on, you have to stop rewriting the past and see the relationship for what it was: the good and the bad, the ups and the downs, and to put aside feelings of embarrassment or shame about how the relationship ended to allow yourself to accept the loss of something that simply wasn’t a fit or a match. It was not meant to be because it isn’t. If it was so great, you’d still be together.
The best news here is that there are steps you can take to turn this breakup into a breakover. Below are the Seven Breakover Commandments that will allow you to channel your heartbreak into the most important person you know: yourself.
1. DON’T SEE HIM OR TALK TO HIM FOR SIXTY DAYS
When someone quits an addictive drug, there is a withdrawal period while the body detoxes and gets the toxins out of their system. The same goes for broken relationships. Sixty days will give you the emotional distance necessary for total recovery. I am not saying this commandment will be simple, I texted my ex less than a week after a breakup and it felt like it had been a lifetime. However, realistically, the only way to avoid torturing yourself with reminders of your ex is to take him out of the picture and cut off all contact.
I know what you’re thinking: I can’t do this. But guess what, you can. You can because you have no choice. At some point he will stop taking your calls or meet someone else. So choose the option that allows you to feel good about your choices from this day forward. Why should you want to talk to the person who broke your heart anyway? What does tormenting yourself get you? Does the momentary relief of hearing his voice make up for the reinforced rejection you feel with every phone call or meeting? In AA they say, “One day at a time”- so do just that. Buy a cute calendar and cross off every day that goes by with no contact initiated.
2. GET YOURSELF A BREAKUP BUDDY
First of all, shoutout to Naomi Scher and Tara Gold for being my breakup buddies. I would be lying in a puddle of my own tears on the side of the street if it weren’t for them.
I recommend picking a breakup buddy (or more) with the following qualities:
- Has at least mild knowledge of your relationship and the history
- Is a good listener (or good at pretending to be)
- Has free time during the day or night to talk to you should you need them
- Has been through a breakup as well
- IS NOT FRIENDS WITH YOUR EX
And, for those of you chosen as breakup buddies, here is a list of guidelines and thoughts for you to consider during your two months of servitude:
- It is not your job to fix this person. They’ll have to do that on their own, all you can do is give encouragement and advice.
- It’s okay to set limits, you have a life too.
- Make it fun- it’s okay to let them cry it out sometimes, but suggest fun activities to do together not only to distract the heartbroken, but so as not to drive you crazy.
- Patience, patience, patience. Your friend might not have a solid handle on their new single reality yet, and it might take a while.
- Share your experiences. From personal experience, having someone who has been guided out of the darkness and into the light gives me hope for the future.
- YOU ARE A FUCKING AMAZING FRIEND.
3. GET RID OF HIS STUFF AND THE THINGS THAT REMIND YOU OF HIM
I’m not going to elaborate too much on this one. I think its obvious why having his picture on your nightside table is a bad idea.
4. GET YOUR ASS IN MOTION EVERY DAY
When you are surrounded by empty hours with nothing to do but harp on your broken heart, you will not only start feeling sorry for yourself but could fall into a serious depression. When you feel the urge to crawl in a cave and cry, you need to get the fuck out of the house. The simple act of having someplace to be, surrounded by humanity, will do wonders for your sense of purpose. Don’t set goals that are too lofty (I’m not about to encourage signing up for a marathon), just make them small and attainable like sitting at Starbucks with a good book, or going to dinner or movie with a friend.
5. DON’T WEAR THE BREAKUP OUT INTO THE WORLD
Confidence looks good with everything. How you present yourself is a projection of what your life looks like. So take off your victim pants. You want to lean into the future where you are whole, healed, and the most badass version of yourself. Never leave the house wearing something that you wouldn’t want to run into your ex in. I’m not saying this in vanity, I’m saying it because it will make you feel like the old YOU again. The best revenge is living well, feeling good about yourself, and projecting those feelings out into the world.
6. NO BACKSLIDING
Well, I already wrote a post about this. Enough said.
7. IT WON’T WORK UNLESS YOU ARE NUMBER ONE
You have to learn to love yourself, like yourself, and put yourself first before you will ever find the healthy, loving, and lasting relationship you’re looking for and deserve. What does loving yourself mean? To me, loving yourself means feeling complete when you are on your own. There is nothing better than getting to a place where you really actually like yourself- not the idea of who you think you are, or who you want to become, but the imperfect, awesome, living soul reading this blog right now.
YOU GOT THIS. DM me @onceuponatimeonhinge with comments, questions, feedback, or if you need a breakup buddy.
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