Monthly Archives: June 2019

Jun 08 2019
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Books, Relationships, Seduction, Sex

The Art of Seduction: Part 2

My prior post, part one of this two-part series on The Art of Seduction by Robert Greene, summarized the eight seductive character types. While understanding these archetypes is imperative to the seductive process, you will not seduce anyone by simply depending on your engaging personality, or by occasionally doing something noble or alluring. Seduction is a process that occurs over time- the longer you take and the slower you go, the deeper you will penetrate the mind of your target. It is an art that requires patience, focus, and strategic thinking. You need to always be one step ahead of your target, casting a spell, keeping them off balance.

The four phase, twenty-four step process outlined below will arm you with a series of tactics that will help you get outside of yourself and into the mind of your target. The order is based on certain timeless laws of human psychology. For example, because people’s thoughts tend to revolve around their daily concerns and insecurities, you cannot proceed with a seduction until you slowly put their anxieties to sleep and fill their distracted mind with thoughts of you. Mystery is the lifeblood of seduction and to maintain it you have to constantly disrupt a comfortable routine. The later phases instruct you in the art of alternating hope and despair, pleasure and pain, until your target weakens and succumbs.

The four phases are organized by particular goals to aim for: getting the target to think of you; gaining access to their emotions by creating moments of pleasure and confusion; going deeper by working on their unconscious, stirring up repressed desires; and finally, introducing physical surrender.

(Note: I am by no means advocating premeditating and manipulating an actual courtship with such a calculated process. However, it is interesting to deconstruct the art of seduction to gain a greater understanding of the psychology and operation behind beguiling someone)

Phase One: Separation- Stirring Interest and Desire

(1) Choose the Right Target

Everything depends on the target of your seduction. You must only choose those who will prove susceptible to your charms. The right targets are those for whom you can fill a void, who see in you something exotic. They might often feel isolated or unhappy, or can easily be made so. The perfect target has some quality that inspires strong emotions in you, making your seductive maneuvers seem more natural and dynamic; they allow for the perfect chase.

(2) Create a False Sense of Security- Approach Indirectly

If you are too direct early on, you risk stirring up a resistance that will never be lowered. At first there must be nothing of the seducer in your manner. The seduction should begin at an angle, indirectly, so that the target only gradually becomes aware of you. Haunt the periphery of your target’s life- approach through a third party, or seem to cultivate. relatively neutral relationship, moving gradually from friend to lover. Lull the target into feeling secure before you strike.

(3) Send Mixed Signals

Once people are aware of your presence, and perhaps vaguely intrigued, you need to stir their interest before it settles on someone else. Most of us are much too obvious- instead, be hard to figure out. Send mixed signals: both tough and tender, both spiritual and earthly, both innocent and cunning. A mix of qualities suggests depth, which fascinates even as it confuses. An elusive, enigmatic aura will make people want to know more, drawing them into your circle. Create such a power by hinting at something contradictory within you.

(4) Appear to Be an Object of Desire- Create Love Triangles

Few are drawn to the person whom others avoid or neglect; people gather around those who have already attracted interest. To draw your target closer and make them hungry to possess you, you must create an aura of desirability- of being wanted and courted by many. It will become a point of vanity for them to be the preferred object of your attention, to win you away from a crowd of admirers. Build a reputation that precedes you: if many have succumbed to your charms before, there must be a reason.

(5) Create a Need- Stir Anxiety and Discontent

A perfectly satisfied person cannot be seduced. Tension and disharmony must be instilled in your target’s mind. Stir within them feelings of discontent, or unhappiness with their circumstances and with themselves. The feelings of inadequacy that you create will give you space to insinuate yourself, to make them see you as the answer to their problems. Pain and anxiety are the proper precursors to pleasure. Learn to manufacture the need that you can fill.

(6) Master the Art of Insinuation 

Making your target feel dissatisfied and in need of your attention is essential, but if you are too obvious, they will see through you and grow defensive. There is no known defense, however, against insinuation- the art of planting ideas in people’s minds by dropping elusive hints that take root days later, even appearing to them as their own idea. Create a sublanguage- bold statements followed by retraction and apology, ambiguous comments, banal talk combined with alluring glances- that enters the target’s unconscious to convey your real meaning. Make everything suggestive.

(7) Enter Their Spirit

Most people are locked in their own worlds, making them stubborn and hard to persuade. The way to lure them out of their shell and set up your seduction is to enter their spirit. Play by their rules, enjoy what they enjoy, adapt yourself to their moods. In doing so, so you will solve their deep-rooted narcissism and lower their defenses. Indulge your target’s every mood and whim, giving them nothing to react against or resist.

(8) Create Temptation 

Lure the target deep into your seduction by creating the proper temptation: a glimpse of the pleasures to come. You must awaken a desire in your target that they cannot control. Find that weakness of theirs, that fantasy that has yet to be realized, and hint that you can lead them toward it. The key is to keep it vague. Stimulate a curiosity stronger than the doubts and anxieties that go with it, and they will follow you.

Phase Two: Lead Astray- Creating Pleasure and Confusion

(9) Keep Them in Suspense- What Comes Next?

The moment people feel they know what to expect from you, your spell on them is broken. More: you have ceded them power. The only way to lead the seduced along and keep the upper hand is to create suspense, a calculated surprise. Doing something they do not expect from you will give them a delightful sense of spontaneity- they will not be able to foresee what comes next. You are always one step ahead and in control. Give the target a thrill with a sudden change of direction.

(10) Use the Demonic Power of Words to Sow Confusion

It is hard to make people listen; they are consumed with their own thoughts and desires, and have little time for yours. The trick to making them listen is to say what they want to hear, to fill their ears with whatever is pleasant to them. This is the essence of seductive language. Inflame the person’s emotions with loaded phrases, flatter them, comfort their insecurities, envelop them in sweet words and promises, and not only will they listen to you, they will lose their will to resist you.

(11) Pay Attention to Detail

Lofty words of love and grand gestures can be suspicious: Why are you trying so hard to please? The details of a seduction- the subtle gestures, the offhand things you do- are often more charming and revealing. You must learn to distract your target with a myriad of pleasant little rituals, such as thoughtful gifts tailored just for them; gestures that show the time and attention you are paying them. Mesmerized by what they see, they will not notice what you are really up to.

(12) Poeticize Your Presence

Important things happen when your targets are alone: The slightest feeling of relief that you are not there, and it is all over. Familiarity and overexposure will cause this reaction. Remain elusive. Intrigue your target by alternating an exciting presence with a cool distance, exuberant moments followed by calculated absences. Associate yourself with poetic images and objects, so that when they think of you, they begin to see you in an idealized fashion. The more you figure in their minds, the more they will envelop you in seductive fantasies.

(13) Disarm Through Strategic Weakness and Vulnerability

Too much maneuvering on your part may raise suspicion. The best way to cover your tracks is to make the other person feel superior and stronger. If you seem to be weak, vulnerable, enthralled by the other person, and unable to control yourself, you will make your actions look more natural and less calculated. Physical weakness- tears, bashfulness, etc.- will help create the effect. Play the victim, then transform your target’s sympathy into love.

(14) Confuse Desire and Reality- The Perfect Illusion 

To compensate for the difficulties in their lives, people spend a lot of their time daydreaming, imagining a future full of adventure, success, and romance. If you can create the illusion that through you they can live out their dreams, you will have them at your mercy. Aim at secret wishes that have been thwarted or repressed, stirring up uncontrollable emotions and clouding their powers of reason. Lead the seduced to a point of confusion in which they can no longer tell the difference between illusion and reality.

(15) Isolate the Target

An isolated person is weak. By slowly isolating your target, you make them more vulnerable to your influence. Take them away from their normal milieu, friends, family, home. Give them the sense of being marginalized, in limbo- they are leaving one world behind and entering another. Once isolated like this, they have no outside support, and in their confusion they are easily led astray. Lure the seduced into your lair, where nothing is familiar.

Phase Three: Deepening the Effect Through Extreme Measures

(16) Prove Yourself

Most people want to be seduced. If they resist your efforts, it’s probably because you have not gone far enough to allay their doubts- about your motives, the depth of your feelings, and so on. One well-timed action that shows how far you are willing to go to win them over will dispel their doubts. Do not worry about looking foolish or making a mistake- any kind of deed that is self-sacrificing and for your target’s sake will so overwhelm their emotions, they won’t notice anything else.

(17) Effect a Regression

People who have experienced a certain kind of pleasure in the past will try to repeat or relive it. The deepest-rooted and most pleasurable memories are usually those from earliest childhood, and are often unconsciously associated with a parental figure. Bring your target back to that point by placing yourself in the Oedipal triangle and positioning them as the needy child. Unaware of the cause of their emotional response, they will fall in love with you.

(18) Stir Up The Transgressive and Taboo

There are always social limits on what one can do. Some of these, the most elemental taboos, go back centuries; others are more superficial, simply defining polite and acceptable behavior. Making your target feel that you are leading them past either kind of limit is immensely seductive. People yearn to explore their dark side. Once the desire to transgress draws your target to you, it will be hard for them to stop. Take them farther than they imagined- the shared feeling of guilt and complicity will create a powerful bond.

(19) Use Spiritual Lures

Everyone has doubts and insecurities- about their bodies, self-worth, sexuality. If your seduction appeals exclusively to the physical, you will stir up these doubts and make your target self-conscious. Instead, lure them out of their insecurities by making them focus on something sublime and spiritual. Lost in a spiritual mist, the target will feel light and uninhibited. Deepen the seduction by making its sexual culmination seem like the spiritual union of two souls.

(20) Mix Pleasure with Pain

The greatest mistake in seduction is being too nice. At first, your kindness is charming, but it soon grow monotonous; you are trying too hard to please, and seem insecure. Instead of overwhelming your target with niceness, try inflicting some pain. Make them feel guilty and insecure. Instigate a breakup- now a rapprochement, a return to your earlier kindness will make them weak at the knees. The lower the lows you create, the greater the highs. To heighten the erotic charge, create the excitement of fear.

Phase Four: Moving In for the Kill

(21) Give Them Space to Fall- The Pursuer is Pursued

If your target becomes too used to you as the aggressor, they will give less of their own energy and the tension will slacken. You need to wake them up and turn the tables. Once they are under your spell, take a step back and they will start to come after you. Hint that you are growing bored. Seem interested in someone else. Soon they will want to possess you physically. Create the illusion that the seducer is being seduced.

(22) Use Physical Lures

Targets with active minds are dangerous: if they see through your manipulations, they may suddenly develop doubts. Put their minds gently to rest and weaken their dormant senses by combining a non-defensive attitude with a charged sexual presence. While your cool, nonchalant air is lowering their inhibitions, your glances, voice, and being- oozing sex and desire- are getting under their skin and raising their temperature. Never force the physical; instead infect your target with heat, lure them into lust.

(23) Master the Art of the Bold Move

 The moment has arrived: your victim clearly desires you, but is not ready to admit it openly, let alone act on it. This is the time to throw aside chivalry, kindness, and coquetry and to overwhelm with a bold move. Don’t give the target time to consider the consequences. Showing hesitation or awkwardness means you are thinking of yourself, as opposed to being overwhelmed by the target’s charms. One person must go on the offensive, and it is you.

(24) Beware the Aftereffects

Danger follows in the aftermath of a successful seduction. After emotions have reached a pitch, they often swing in the opposite direction towards district and disappointment. If you are to part, make the sacrifice swift and sudden. If you are to stay in a relationship, beware a flagging of energy, a creeping familiarity that will spoil the fantasy. A second seduction is required. Never let the other person take you for granted- use absence, create pain and conflict, to the keep the seduced on their toes.

 

If you made it through this entire post, congratulations! You are an expert in the art of seduction. DM me @onceuponatimeonhinge with questions, comments, or feedback. Stay sexy.

 

Jun 07 2019
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Books, Online Dating, Relationships, Seduction, Sex

The Art of Seduction: Part 1

The Art of Seduction by Robert Greene is the single most fascinating book I’ve ever read, specifically as it pertains to dating and relationships. As unromantic as it might seem, the seductive process is a calculated and unavoidable aspect of any courtship; these strategies of persuasion and charm are even more pronounced in online dating where every move is premeditated.

Every seduction has two elements: first, yourself and what is seductive about you; and second, your “target” and the actions that will penetrate their defenses and create surrender. In other words, every person seeking a romantic relationship can fall into one of eight seductive character profiles (or the “anti-seducer” profile), and engages in the four phase, twenty-four step seduction process.

Part one of this two-part series will describe the types of seductive characters, and the types of individuals most likely to fall victim to seduction. In many ways, the eight seductive character types are masks we all wear when trying to seduce someone, rather than reflections of who we really are. Read through the descriptions and determine which category, or categories, you fall into. Also, see if you can identify which type of seducer, or seducers, you are typically attracted to.

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The Eight Seductive Characters

The Siren (Female)

The siren is the ultimate male fantasy figure because she offers a total release from the limitations of his life. In her presence, which is always heightened and sexually charged, the male feels transported to a realm of pure pleasure. In a world where women are often too timid to project such an image, sirens learn to take control of the male libido by embodying his fantasy.

The Rake (Male)

Women rarely feel desired or appreciated enough; they crave a certain level of attention that men are often too distracted and unresponsive to offer. The Rake is a great female fantasy-figure because when he desires a woman (brief though that moment may be) he will go to the ends of the earth for her. Interestingly, the Rake is often disloyal, dishonest, and amoral, but that only adds to his appeal. He stirs a woman’s repressed longings by mixing danger and pleasure.

The Dandy (Male or Female)

Most of us feel trapped within the limited roles the world expects us to play. We are therefore instantly attracted to those who are more fluid than we are- those who create their own persona. Dandies excite us because they cannot be categorized, and hint at freedom we want for ourselves. They play with masculinity and femininity; they fashion their own physical image which is often startling. Dandies use the power of ambiguity to establish an alluring presence that stirs repressed desires.

The Natural (Male or Female)

Childhood is the golden paradise we are always consciously or unconsciously trying to re-create. The Natural embodies the longed-for qualities of childhood- spontaneity, sincerity, unpretentiousness. In the presence of Naturals, we feel at ease, caught up in their playful spirit, transported back to that golden age. They neutralize people’s defensiveness and infect them with helpless delight.

The Coquette (Male or Female)

The ability to delay satisfaction is the ultimate art of seduction- while waiting, the “target” is held in thrall. Coquettes are grand masters of the game, orchestrating a back-and-forth movement between hope and frustration. They bait with the promise of reward- the hope of physical pleasure, happiness, fame by association, power- all of which, however, proves elusive; yet this only makes their targets pursue them more. The alternation of heat and coolness keeps people seduced for the long-term.

The Charmer (Male or Female)

Charm is seduction without sex. Charmers are consummate manipulators, masking their cleverness by creating a mood of pleasure and comfort. Their method is this: they deflect attention from themselves and focus it on their target. They understand their target’s spirit, feel their pain, and adapt to their moods. In the presence of the Charmer one feels better about themselves. Charmers aim at people’s primary weaknesses: vanity and self-esteem.

The Charismatic (Male or Female)

Charisma is a presence that excites us. It comes from an inner quality- self-confidence, sexual energy, sense of purpose, contentment- that most people lack and want. This quality radiates outward, permeating the gestures of Charismatics, making them seem extraordinary and superior. They learn to heighten their charisma with a piercing gaze, fiery oratory, an air of mystery. Charismatics radiate intensity while remaining detached.

The Star (Male or Female)

Daily life is harsh, and most of us constantly seek escape from it in fantasies and dreams. Stars feed on this weakness; standing out from others through a distinctive and appealing style, they make us want to watch them. At the same time, they are vague and ethereal, keeping their distance, and letting us imagine more than is there. Their dreamlike quality works on our unconscious. Stars become the objects of fascination by projecting a glittering but elusive presence.

The Anti-Seducer (Male or Female; The Likely Target)

Seducers draw you in by the focused, individualized attention they pay to you. Anti-seducers are the opposite: insecure, self-absorbed, and unable to grasp the psychology of another person, they literally repel. Anti-Seducers have no self-awareness, and never realize when they are pestering, imposing, talking too much. Root out anti-seductive qualities in yourself and recognize them in others.

The above descriptions are condensed from a 500 page book- so, if you are interested in learning more please DM me @onceuponatimeonhinge as I LOVE to discuss this topic.

Part two of the series will recap the phases and steps of the seductive process. Stay tuned!

Jun 06 2019
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Hinge, Online Dating

How to Hinge Like a Pro

It wasn’t until I started posting Hinge content to my personal Instagram account (see former post for how I got started) that I realized I had a knack for navigating Hinge. This entire blog post might seem like a humble brag, and, well, it is. The number one reason I get so many matches & asked out on so many dates on the app has nothing to do with my appearance- sure, my pictures are well curated and filtered but I’m just your basic brunette Jewish girl. My success on the app boils down to my brutally honest and straightforward approach, and the guys I match with all share in my candid and even satirical angle. Dating on an app is inherently awkward and can feel embarrassingly vulnerable, so approaching the app too seriously only magnifies that fact and makes people uncomfortable. There are also so many options that if you don’t stand out in some way you will fade into the background. I have posted my Hinge profile below. Disclaimer: I am in no way saying my Hinge profile is perfect or the holy grail, it’s just the ideal depiction of my personality, interests and sense of humor:

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Let’s talk prompts first. Answer wise, the biggest mistake I see people make on their profiles is taking ABOUT their personalities instead of SHOWING their personalities. For example, rather than stating you are “fluent in sarcasm”, SHOW me your sarcasm. Another common red flag are answers that are so general or cliche that they could have been suggested answers; how does you liking pizza or “The Office” tell me anything about YOU? Moreover, it’s difficult for others to use your basic as hell prompt answers as conversation starters. I like that my profile speaks for itself, and if people don’t get me or my sense of humor, I wouldn’t want to match with them anyway. When I’m swiping, I personally value the quality of prompt answers over the quality of people’s pictures, and in the poll on my Instagram 71% of you agreed. The reason your profile exists is to pique someone’s interest, so spending time translating unique personality quirks into prompt answers is crucial.

My answers are tongue in cheek and lean towards dark humor because that’s a reflection of who I am, but that wouldn’t work for everyone. When drafting a prompt answer, don’t overthink it: write something that would pique your own interest and make you want to learn more, ask questions, and get to know that person. Most importantly: don’t be afraid to be exposed and let your guard down. People are liking your profile to ultimately date you, or at the very least hook up with you. Why would someone crave intimacy with someone they can’t get to know? Don’t be afraid to be revealing, you will be amazed how far it will get you. If you are struggling to come up with good prompt answers, DM me and I will therapize the shit out of you until we come up with three winners.

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Now let’s talk pictures. My process for choosing my Hinge pictures was very simple: ones where I thought I looked pretty and/or skinny. I also tried to include a variation of pictures of me alone in formal and casual settings, as well as a couple of group pictures to show that I occasionally socially interact in public. I don’t do sexy or goofy pictures because that wouldn’t be authentic for me; my rule of thumb is this:  if a picture doesn’t reflect how you would possibly look on a date, it’s either too scandalous, too filtered/facetuned or too bizarre. However, I do occasionally appreciate when I’m swiping and come across eccentric pictures that can spark a conversation:

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Now let’s talk pickup lines and conversation starters. The great thing about Hinge is that the prompts and pictures (mainly prompts) are jumping off points and prime opportunities for quality banter. Below is a visual montage of all of the times guys didn’t take advantage of that, and started with boring greetings that went nowhere:

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As boring as those opening lines are, nothing, and I mean nothing, is worse than a guy that asks you for a date or for your phone number right away, with no interest in a conversation whatsoever. It is the number one way to show a girl you are not interested in getting to know her and are only interested in hooking up. Pro tip: even girls only looking to hook up on the app won’t hook up with you if you are that transparent. You have to play the game to some extent.

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Another pet peeve of mine is when someone only gives physical compliments. Maybe some girls would be into that, but personally it’s just shallow and phony to me. For me, those conversations wind up going in circles.

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The best interactions are funny, a little weird, and the kind of conversations I would brag to my friends about if they happened with some guy I met in a bar.

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The goal of Hinge is to ultimately get the girl or guy’s number and start with a texting relationship. So, here are some texting tips from me to you:

  1. Resist the temptation to shield your insecurities with laughter. A person can pick up on your confidence or lack thereof based on the authenticity of your “lol’s”
  2. Keep someone’s interest by maintaining a balance of who initiates contact. Give the person the chance to chase/pursue you, but don’t make it a one-way courtship
  3. Keep your emoji use to a minimum
  4. When deciding on when to respond to someone’s text, ensure that your timing is both genuine and discriminating. Be genuine by responding in a reasonable amount of time, but be discriminating to ensure that he/she knows you have a life
  5. This one’s primarily for the ladies: men will often make clever attempts to establish a sexting relationship with you. A firm but gracious display of your standards is necessary. If that’s what you’re down for: go for it. If it’s not your thing: make it VERY clear.
  6. Don’t let people inundate you with low-value communication attempts. If you are finding yourself on the receiving end of low-quality communication attempts, challenge them or move on.
  7. Resist the temptation to over-invest in someone you are in a texting relationship with, especially when their communication attempts appear low-interest, low-investment, and altogether unenthusiastic. There are plenty of fish in the sea (and people on Hinge).
  8. This one’s based on personal experience: never text while emotionally impaired or highly intoxicated. A single vulgar or tactless text sent while in an emotionally crippled or inebriated state can undermine WEEKS of rapport and respect a person has gained for you.
  9. Avoid over-shares and day-to-day problems with budding texting relationships. The person you’re texting doesn’t need to know every little thing you’re thinking or feeling, especially if such things are boring and mundane.
  10. Do not make a habit of accepting last minute dates by text. Consistently doing so will cause the other person to believe that you do not value your time and thus, over time, neither will they.
  11. Again, this one is coming from personal experience: prioritize phone calls or face-to-face conversations for important or serious topics. Texting is NOT a good medium for relationship-altering conversations and conflict resolutions.

I could probably write a book on this topic, but I’ll stop here. Slide into my DM’s @onceuponatimeonhinge with questions, comments, feedback, etc.!

Jun 05 2019
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Heartbreak, Personal, Relationships, Sex Image

Get Your Breakover On

I recently read an amazing self-help book titled, It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken by Greg & Amira Behrendt (the same authors that wrote He’s Just Not That Into You. Instead of making this a book review or recommendation (I know most of my readers don’t have time for that) I am just going to summarize my takeaways.

First of all, as the title states, it’s called a breakup because it’s broken. Even though it hurts like hell and frightening questions will be swirling through your brain at a million miles an hour (Why did it end? What could I have done differently? How can a relationship just break with no warning? Did I sabotage it? Is he thinking about me? Does he miss me? Will I meet someone else? Will we get back together? What harm can one text do? etc.), the first step to getting over a breakup is ACCEPTANCE. This is going to hurt. For a while. There is no quick fix for the sting of heartbreak and it is hard not to take it personally. But just because the relationship is broken doesn’t mean YOU are broken.

A point addressed in the book that I would like to reiterate here is an answer to a question I get asked on Instagram a lot: “It’s been a while since the breakup, why does it still hurt?” For many, it seems as though time is standing still. The bullshit coined in “Sex and the City” that it takes half the time of a relationship to get over it is simply incorrect. The truth is that there is no formula one can apply to the heart. I think the time it takes to feel better about a breakup is directly proportional to the time it takes to feel better about yourself. I also think a component of lingering heartbreak is what I like to refer to as “Revisionist Romance Disorder” (RRD). RRD causes one to rewrite their relationship to match the feelings they want to have about it. The guy that wouldn’t introduce you to his friends becomes “just closed off”. The one that always kept you at arms length “just had intimacy issues”. The one that forgot your birthday was “just busy with work”. If you truly want to move on, you have to stop rewriting the past and see the relationship for what it was: the good and the bad, the ups and the downs, and to put aside feelings of embarrassment or shame about how the relationship ended to allow yourself to accept the loss of something that simply wasn’t a fit or a match. It was not meant to be because it isn’t. If it was so great, you’d still be together.

The best news here is that there are steps you can take to turn this breakup into a breakover. Below are the Seven Breakover Commandments that will allow you to channel your heartbreak into the most important person you know: yourself.

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1. DON’T SEE HIM OR TALK TO HIM FOR SIXTY DAYS

When someone quits an addictive drug, there is a withdrawal period while the body detoxes and gets the toxins out of their system. The same goes for broken relationships. Sixty days will give you the emotional distance necessary for total recovery. I am not saying this commandment will be simple, I texted my ex less than a week after a breakup and it felt like it had been a lifetime. However, realistically, the only way to avoid torturing yourself with reminders of your ex is to take him out of the picture and cut off all contact.

I know what you’re thinking: I can’t do this. But guess what, you can. You can because you have no choice. At some point he will stop taking your calls or meet someone else. So choose the option that allows you to feel good about your choices from this day forward. Why should you want to talk to the person who broke your heart anyway? What does tormenting yourself get you? Does the momentary relief of hearing his voice make up for the reinforced rejection you feel with every phone call or meeting? In AA they say, “One day at a time”- so do just that. Buy a cute calendar and cross off every day that goes by with no contact initiated.

2. GET YOURSELF A BREAKUP BUDDY

First of all, shoutout to Naomi Scher and Tara Gold for being my breakup buddies. I would be lying in a puddle of my own tears on the side of the street if it weren’t for them.

I recommend picking a breakup buddy (or more) with the following qualities:

  1. Has at least mild knowledge of your relationship and the history
  2. Is a good listener (or good at pretending to be)
  3. Has free time during the day or night to talk to you should you need them
  4. Has been through a breakup as well
  5. IS NOT FRIENDS WITH YOUR EX

And, for those of you chosen as breakup buddies, here is a list of guidelines and thoughts for you to consider during your two months of servitude:

  1. It is not your job to fix this person. They’ll have to do that on their own, all you can do is give encouragement and advice.
  2. It’s okay to set limits, you have a life too.
  3. Make it fun- it’s okay to let them cry it out sometimes, but suggest fun activities to do together not only to distract the heartbroken, but so as not to drive you crazy.
  4. Patience, patience, patience. Your friend might not have a solid handle on their new single reality yet, and it might take a while.
  5. Share your experiences. From personal experience, having someone who has been guided out of the darkness and into the light gives me hope for the future.
  6. YOU ARE A FUCKING AMAZING FRIEND.

3. GET RID OF HIS STUFF AND THE THINGS THAT REMIND YOU OF HIM

I’m not going to elaborate too much on this one. I think its obvious why having his picture on your nightside table is a bad idea.

4. GET YOUR ASS IN MOTION EVERY DAY

When you are surrounded by empty hours with nothing to do but harp on your broken heart, you will not only start feeling sorry for yourself but could fall into a serious depression. When you feel the urge to crawl in a cave and cry, you need to get the fuck out of the house. The simple act of having someplace to be, surrounded by humanity, will do wonders for your sense of purpose. Don’t set goals that are too lofty (I’m not about to encourage signing up for a marathon), just make them small and attainable like sitting at Starbucks with a good book, or going to dinner or movie with a friend.

5. DON’T WEAR THE BREAKUP OUT INTO THE WORLD

Confidence looks good with everything. How you present yourself is a projection of what your life looks like. So take off your victim pants. You want to lean into the future where you are whole, healed, and the most badass version of yourself. Never leave the house wearing something that you wouldn’t want to run into your ex in. I’m not saying this in vanity, I’m saying it because it will make you feel like the old YOU again. The best revenge is living well, feeling good about yourself, and projecting those feelings out into the world.

6. NO BACKSLIDING

Well, I already wrote a post about this. Enough said.

7. IT WON’T WORK UNLESS YOU ARE NUMBER ONE

You have to learn to love yourself, like yourself, and put yourself first before you will ever find the healthy, loving, and lasting relationship you’re looking for and deserve. What does loving yourself mean? To me, loving yourself means feeling complete when you are on your own. There is nothing better than getting to a place where you really actually like yourself- not the idea of who you think you are, or who you want to become, but the imperfect, awesome, living soul reading this blog right now.

YOU GOT THIS. DM me @onceuponatimeonhinge with comments, questions, feedback, or if you need a breakup buddy.

Jun 04 2019
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Interview, Sex

The Interview: Part I

M is one of the most intelligent, attractive, respectful and intriguing guys I have ever met or hooked up with. When I moved to Baltimore for graduate school, he was the first guy I matched with and the first guy I went on a date with. I was in the Hopkins Public Health graduate program, and he was attending Hopkins Medical School. He left the country to study abroad shortly after our date, but we kept in touch and he is moving to NYC shortly. Below is the first of my two-part (the second will be an in-person interview) interview with whom I shall graciously refer to as Dr. M.

 

Lacey: We met on Hinge. Do you remember who initiated the conversation first?

Dr. M: No idea. Honestly I didn’t even remember that it was on Hinge.

 

L: Did you ask me for drinks first, or did I ask you?

M: I asked you. I remember because I had just found a cool, expensive speakeasy that I wanted to check out and you looked like the type of person who would like it.

 

L: What was your first impression upon meeting me?
M: That you were hot (you looked better than your pictures). But also kind of weird and shy, but in a good way. Almost in a sexy, submissive way.

 

L: Was I a fun date?

M: I mean, lol… who doesn’t like good sex (spoiler alert).

 

L: I recall, after drinks, when we were walking by the water back to my apartment building you told me I was “difficult to read”. Elaborate.

M: At that point I was specifically trying to figure out if you wanted to hook up (not sure if you knew this). I was asking increasingly obvious questions: So what’s our next adventure for the night? Are you a homebody like me? What kind of movies do you like? Omg wanna watch that one?

 

L: When we were sitting by the rooftop pool at my apartment building we really opened up to each other. Did you feel comfortable with me right away?

M: Yes but I generally feel open and comfortable with people. I was more interested in learning about you beyond the small talk date convos. I could tell you had a story and I wanted to know more.

 

L: We bonded over our love of philosophy, specifically the movie “Waking Life”. Did you suggest we go to my apartment to watch it to: a) genuinely watch the movie b) hook up with me c) both.

M: Well I definitely wanted to hook up with you, so not A. But it’s one of my favorite movies, so not B 🙂

 

L: We were watching the movie for like an hour before you made a move. Why did you wait so long?

M: Haha yeah true. Sometimes I do that as a dominance thing. I like knowing that the other person wants me to make a move but withholding. And since you’re waiting, I’m the one in control, deciding how it goes down and what we do. I guess it’s a Dom thing.

 

L: Most important question: How was the sex? Details are welcome. 

M: So good. Usually hooking up on a first date isn’t my favorite, not enough time to talk about limits and learn preferences etc. but we obviously connected on that level. I slowly pushed your limits and you encouraged it, telling me not to stop. After a while I was throwing you around the room like a rag doll.

 

L: Anything else you’d like to add? 

M: Just that I saw there’s an in-person follow-up interview, and I’m sure your readers would appreciate some juicing details from this upcoming night.

 

Please DM me on @onceuponatimeonhinge with follow-up questions or comments, or leave a comment below!

Jun 03 2019
2 Comments
Heartbreak, Uncategorized

Ex Sex

This was a post I was hoping I would never have to write.

Although being broken up with sucks, it does come with a sense of closure that can feel comforting. We met in person, discussed the valid and logical reasons why it wasn’t working, cried, hugged, and said goodbye. I blocked him from all of my social media, and it began to feel like getting over him wouldn’t be as terrible as I thought it would be.

Last night, I was stood up on a date in the most bizarre way possible (see my Instagram stories for details). Now, I am POSITIVE it is too soon for me to be dating anyway. However, that is and has always been the way I get over people: by getting under someone else. I am not saying that is the right way, it’s just what I do and what I know.

Nothing takes a shot at your self-esteem quite like sitting alone in a bar calling someone you are supposed to go on a date with continuously until they block your number. In that moment, my ex (we call him J) not only didn’t seem so bad, but he seemed like the one person I needed at the moment. I wanted to feel loved and attractive and cared for. So, I did the worst possible thing I could have done: texted him and asked to come over. Although he pushed back a little bit, warning me that it sounded like a bad idea, it didn’t take much for him to agree.

Seeing J reminded me of the Kacey Musgraves song, “Happy and Sad”. On the one hand I felt like I slid back into the most comforting and loving relationship I have ever known. All of the reasons we broke up didn’t even seem to make sense to me anymore. If something feels this good, how could it be so wrong? On the other hand, after we had sex he made sure to clarify, “This doesn’t change anything”. I felt heartbroken all over again and in an even more painful way than before.

When I woke up this morning and he pulled me close, I realized it would be the last time I felt that familiar sense of intimacy. It reminded me that this person had made his decision and was sticking to it. When I kissed J goodbye as he left for work, as I had done so many mornings before, I once again realized that this would be the last time.

I walked to our favorite breakfast place, ordered the large coffee he always made fun of me for ordering (because I take two sips and forget about it), and cried. I cried because I still love him, I cried because I hate him, I cried because I felt stupid, used, confused, and like I will never truly get over this person and the way he makes me feel.

I wish I could conclude this post by tying it up in a pretty little bow, but sometimes perfect closure just isn’t possible. I am learning that the hard way.

Jun 01 2019
1 Comment
Feminism, Opinion, Personal, Social Media, Uncategorized

Once Upon a Time on Hinge: The Beginning

One night, feeling particularly insecure about my two year relationship with my on-again, off-again, semi-exclusive, what-the-fuck boyfriend (we will call him J), I started posting Hinge content to my personal instagram account to do the only thing I knew how: make the motherfucker jealous. I would find prompts, rattle off witty responses, and post them to my stories. In addition to successfully rattling J, I also started getting pretty good feedback from my other followers about how funny my stories were. Eventually, enough people gave me the confidence to convince myself that I should create my own Instagram account solely devoted to Hinge content. I chose the name “Once Upon a Time on Hinge” because I loved the oxymoron of an antiquated phrase associated with romantic fairy tales being associated with content related to the most modern, and at times depraved form of courtship possible.

Eventually I started being reposted by much larger accounts, such as @unhingedny, and gained followers exponentially. J was semi-supportive of my new venture, although he muted my content because according to him, I was “spamming” his page.

Without getting into too many of the precipitating factors, when J asked to meet me for drinks on Tuesday, May 28, I had a pit in my stomach. We had been fighting a lot, and I had a strong feeling he was going to break up with me. The moment he sat down in front of me, I knew, and started bawling my eyes out (think Warner breaking up with Elle Woods in Legally Blonde… I was Elle). The break up itself was as pleasant as one could be. We both cried, said we loved each other, hugged for a long time, and then said goodbye for good.

I was crying in the Uber on the way home, and decided to share what had happened with a tearful video to my followers. My account is focused on dating, and something monumental had just occurred in my dating life. I have always wanted to cultivate a raw, real, and honest perspective on modern dating with my account, so I tearfully told my followers what had happened. To my absolute surprise, I immediately received hundreds of direct messages from followers, strangers, offering kind words of encouragement and love. I have never believed more in the good in humanity and the positive power of social media until that moment.

The nature of my account is naturally shifting further away from Hinge content (I am not ready to date again, at least not seriously, for the time being) to chronicles of post-breakup life. I am sure my account will continue to morph and change, but always in the most raw and authentic way possible.

So far, my account has taught me two very important lessons: (1) Chivalry is not dead (2) I might have to kiss a lot of frogs, but I will find my happily ever after.

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