Once Upon a Time Dating

Real Housewives of New Jersey: I actually kind of liked this episode, even though a lot of it concentrated on the Manzos. Caroline finally met Albie’s girlfriend Lindsay, who looked frightened out of her mind. If I was meeting my boyfriend’s mom on national TV, and his mom was Caroline Manzo, and it was in a gay bar, I would probably be the same way, so no judgment. In the preview for the next episode Albie talks about choosing between BLK and Lindsay, but I recently read that him and Lindsay aren’t together anymore. Soooo, awk.

Jaqueline didn’t do anything of note in this episode, once again. As my dad has said, “I don’t like her, she adds nothing to the mix.” Well said, Ira. All she did was act fake- nice to Theresa at Antonia’s birthday party, and Theresa acted fake-nice back. If I wanted to watch women being fake towards each other I would go to a sleep away camp’s visiting day. When I want to watch women rip each other’s hair out, I watch Real Housewives. Bravo, take note. That was boring.

It was kind of interesting to watch Melissa and Theresa have an almost pleasant conversation with each other, as they planned to have Sunday night dinners again. Oh boy, I can’t wait to see that. Also Milania called Joe Giudice a poop head. Word, Milania. Word.

Oh and Rosie had her new lesbian lova over for dinner at the Wakiles’ house. And Rich weirdly hit on her. I still think the Wakiles are the most normal of any Real Housewife family of any of the shows, which is probably why they are the most boring.

Next episode Melissa sings at Beatstock and Gia dances at Beatstock, and they have a creepy 10 year old vs. 30-something year old competition. Oh, that reminds me, was anyone else wondering why Gia was dressed like a baby prostitute at that dance rehearsal?

Real Housewives of New York City: I don’t know guys, I don’t know. So I still love the new women, minus Heather (kind of), but they are so likeable that it’s all getting kind of boring. Watching Carol, Heather, Luann, and Sonja at that slumber party in London made me feel like I was reading a Judy Blume novel. I thought at any minute they would start chanting, “We must, we must, we must increase our bust!” It was all kind of sweet to watch I guess, but why wasn’t Kelly there to scream about gummy bears? Why wasn’t Alex there to turn bright red and stomp away in her “Herman Munster” shoes? Why wasn’t Jill there to attempt to make everything about her? And why wasn’t Cindy there to do absolutely nothing except take up space? Nostalgia…

The only drama that happened in London was Luann dissing Carole for not standing up during that weird dinner where everyone at the table had to talk about what they love about “Yummy Tummy”. And then someone called Carole a princess and Luann was kind of jealous because she’s only a countess. Cooooooool.

Back in New York Ramona was being wildly inappropriate and asking Aviva to see her fake leg, analyze her fake leg, and ask her way too many questions about her fake leg; it was all very refreshing to watch. Finally, some crazy! But then Ramona and Mario went to dinner with Aviva and Reid and it was all pretty civilized… ugh.

What do you guys think: is this season more boring because it features more normal (and less bat shit crazy) women?

Real Housewives of Orange County: Reunion time! It wasn’t that great, because it’s only part one and they always save the good stuff for part two, but there were still some good moments.

What I love most about these reunions is that all of the women have such a clear agenda that the questions are pointless- they are asked a question and don’t even answer it, they just say whatever they planned on saying in the countless hours they probably spent preparing for the show. Like when Andy asked Heather how she felt when Alexis said she’s not a real actress, and Heather just started talking about how Alexis had no training for her Fox 5 show and did a really bad job.

I thought Alexis made a really good point when she said that Tamra’s comments don’t bother her, because you have to value someone’s opinion for what they say to affect you. My sister and I were eating dinner as we watched that scene, and almost in unison said, “Burnnnnnn!” You go Alexis.

Then the women yelled at Vicki about Brooks some more, which made NO sense to me. My best friends have had boyfriends I don’t like or approve of, and I have never said a word. Maybe this makes me a bad friend, but it’s NONE OF MY BUSINESS. Unless I knew someone’s boyfriend was abusing her I would never get involved. When someone is in love with someone nothing you say can change her mind, and you have to let it run its course.  What did the women think- that in the middle of the reunion Vicki would say, “Oh god, you guys are right. Brooks is a bad guy. BRB, let me go call him and break up with him.” Brooks sucks, we get it, but just worry about yourselves. Vicki will figure it out.

Then Andy was attacked by a bird and I laughed out loud. His face was golden.

So here it comes… a post about Fifty Shades of Grey. I know people’s opinions about the book are everywhere and this topic might seem tired and unoriginal at this point, but I just couldn’t blog about pop culture and not comment on the biggest sensation since Twilight.

I’m not going to summarize the book, because if you are reading this you have probably either read it or someone you know has read it and explained it to you. I’m also not going to give my opinion on the book itself, because I really think the same thing about it that everyone else does: it’s not well-written but it’s addicting.

Rather, I’m going to pose a question to all of you- why do you think women are so infatuated with Christian Grey? Sure, he’s described as extremely good-looking, but he’s also pretentious, violent, controlling, and won’t let anyone touch him.

Here’s what I think: I think we all love Christian Grey because he hurts Anastasia, and we all subconsciously hate Anastasia. All she does is whine and complain, she gets upset when she loses too much weight (which NO WOMAN WOULD EVER DO), and acts like her life is so terrible all the time when let’s be honest, she doesn’t have it that bad. Anastasia: you don’t have cancer, you aren’t poor, you are really skinny, you have a hot guy who loves you- what’s so bad? Anastasia is such a horrendous character that we are able to forgive Christian for hurting her, because we all kind of want to hurt her. Not in a kinky way, but I don’t think any of us would mind giving her a bitch slap.

You are probably reading this and thinking I’m crazy, but if Anastasia was a normal, confident, REAL woman you would probably be rooting for her and think that Christian is a bad influence. Anastasia is just so pathetic that we don’t even care what happens to her. Twilight is the same way- Bella is a brooding and superficial girl so we are basically in love with the person (Edward) who is making her life a living hell.

What do you think?

This weekend I watched my third Alfred Hitchcock movie, Dial M for Murder (I had already seen Psycho and The Birds). I started watching the film with my family and planned on just listening to it in the background and perusing Facebook, but something drew me in and before I knew it, my laptop was shut and my eyes were glued to the screen.

My eyes were probably glued in the first place because of how stunning Grace Kelly is. After researching the film a little afterwards, I saw that Alfred Hitchcock dropped forty pounds before the film in the hopes of getting in Grace Kelly’s pants, but she wound up hooking up with all of the other actors instead… what a betch. But that’s not the only thing that drew me in- the film was actually scaring me. And not only do I never get spooked by horror movies, but I usually wind up watching them and holding in laughter because I find them so ridiculous. So I started to wonder what makes Hitchock films different…

First of all, for those of you who haven’t seen Dial M for Murder, watch it now. Seriously, go buy it on iTunes. Come back to this blog after watching it… ok, you done? Good.

Well for those of you who didn’t listen to my advice, the movie is about a husband (Ray Milland) who plans the “perfect” murder of his wife (Grace Kelly). He finds a stranger to stalk and henceforth blackmail, convinces him to do it, and then walks him through every step of the murder. But as a family friend (Robert Cummings) who also happens to write horror stories says to the couple in the beginning of the movie, no murder is perfect because the murderer often makes one classic mistake he doesn’t realize until it’s too late. I don’t want to give anything away, but you can guess that things don’t go as planned.

The description of this movie probably doesn’t seem that scary to you. I mean sure, it’s not a romantic comedy, but it’s nothing compared to the descriptions of The Strangers or Saw. However if you have seen Dial M for Murder, it probably did scare you. It’s not “I can’t shut my eyes and go to sleep” type of scary, but that type of scary is sort of cheap, isn’t it? It’s easy to put a frightening mask on someone, or to poor fake blood everywhere, as most recently made horror films do. But these types of horror movies only scare a very childish and immature part of your psyche. Hitchock films, on the other hand, spark a different type of fear in the audience: fear of human nature itself. Dial M for Murder has hardly any blood, only around four actors, and takes place in virtually the same, mundane room for the entire film. You aren’t scared of what you see in Alfred Hitchock films, you are scared of what you don’t see: what the characters are thinking. You are scared of just how evil and cunning people can be. You don’t walk away from a Hitchcock film checking for monsters in your closet, you walk away pondering just how deranged human beings can be.

And what’s scarier than that?

For those of you who don’t know this already, my biggest obsession in life is the Real Housewives franchise. I pride myself on having been obsessed with these ladies since 2007 when the first season of the OC premiered. Maybe I feel some sort of cosmic connection to their beautiful, botoxed faces, or maybe I just love watching old lady drama. Either way, the Real Housewives of Everywhere comes before anything and everything else in my life.

In all seriousness, I have seen every single episode of every Real Housewife series, and I have seen most of them multiple times. For example, the christening episode the Real Housewives of New Jersey? I have seen that episode probably 65 times….it’s golden. This is why every Thursday I will do a Real Housewife Roundup, and recap the cities that are on at the moment. Right now, it’s Real Housewives of New Jersey, New York City, and OC (OC wasn’t on this week though).

Real Housewives of New Jersey: I hope none of you mind, but I’m not even going to comment on whatever is going on with the Manzo family this season. Basically Lauren’s on a diet, Albie has a girlfriend named Lindsay, and Greg has become the fourth Manzo sibling. Done.

Okay, so at first I really liked Rosie. I thought she was a funny, straight shooter who was a nice break from all of the big hair, crazy bling, and general fakeness that pervades the RHONJ. But now she is really starting to annoy me. While I totally feel for her and the struggles she went through as a child who was secretly gay, I don’t think that topic should be the focal point of every episode. I’m going to be honest, when I watch an episode of the Real Housewives I am looking forward to humor, drama, and overall ridiculousness. Occasionally there will be a deep moment in certain episodes, but they are bringing Rosie’s childhood woes into every episode. Sorry if I sound heartless here, but she’s not a cast member. So while it was fun to watch Kath at a gay bar trying to snag Rosie a girlfriend, I really didn’t need to hear about how Rosie’s communion was the worst day of her life. Andy Cohen, you listening? Give me a little more Tre and a little less Ro, thanks babe.

Anyway, on to the Gorgas/ Giudices. I love these people so much. However, was anyone else really disappointed by the Tre/ Joe Gorga therapy sesh? There has been hype around it all season, and then the therapist just sort of told them the same thing everyone else (Jaqueline, Kathy, Melissa) has been telling them all along: forget about the past and move forward. Also, the minute the session was over they started screaming at each other in the stairwell… awk.

Oh, and then there was Jaqueline crying about Ashlee. Apparently Ashlee got a tattoo of a skull to remind her of a bar she used to go to. Say it with me: huuuuuh? Should I get “Maggies” tattooed on my wrist to remind me of the bar I go to in college? She’s such a joke.

Real Housewives of New York City: I know you Jill, Alex, or Kelly lovers might disagree with me, but I am LOVING the RHONY this season. And this week’s episode might have been my favorite so far.

So the episode started with Aviveeeees (as Heather calls Aviva) and Heather sitting on a bench discussing how Heather didn’t invite Ramona to London. All I kept wishing when I was watching this scene was that Heather would break the politeness and be like, “Yo, straight up: Ramona is cray and I’m not d to have her ruin my trip to London”, and then Aviva would be like, “You sound like you’re from Lahhhhndon” and then Aviva would rip off her fake leg and they would both start dancing with it. JUST KIDDING! Ugh, but really, how long are they going to harp on the “Heather excluded Ramona” plot line? It’s getting old.

Speaking of old, Luann is trying to have a baby. So she goes to an acupuncturist and hopes that Eastern medicine will help her middle aged lady parts get pregnant. All I have to say about this scene is that picturing Luann and Jaques trying to get pregnant creeps me out.

Sonja is really pissing me off this season. She is trying way to hard to be like Samantha from Sex and the City, and her entire demeanor is just so fake and contrived to me. She also made a really bad point when she was having drinks with Aviva and said, “I can’t make people want Ramona around”. Who wouldn’t want Ramona around? She’s an unhinged, bipolar, alcoholic housewife; I’d have her over any time.

I’ll say it once and I’ll say it again, I love Carole. And not in the way I love Theresa Giudice, or Camille Grammar, or Vicki Gunvalson: I really admire her and think she’s an awesome person. So watching this normal, cool, journalist having brunch with Ramona was really a treat. When Carole revealed that she was technically a princess and Ramona stood up in the middle of the restaurant and started bowing down to her my eyes were twitching with glee.

Then Carole and Ramona headed over to a store called Curves (I thought that was a gym for fat women?) to meet Heather and Aviva. Heather proceeded to show the other housewives and the audience that she indeed has a LOT of balls when she told the saleslady to give Ramona a makeover. Oh no she didn’t! Yes, she did. Ramona was rightfully pissed off, but then the two sat down on a couch and kind of made up? But Heather still won’t invite Ramona to London. And unfortunately for Ramona and Aviva (who isn’t going to London because she’s afraid of planes or something), based on the previews for next week it looks like London’s going to be sick. Holla!

Tonight I saw Magic Mike with my sis, and while we definitely exchanged outraged glares at certain points throughout the movie, we loved it! As most of you probably know, the film is about male strippers and stars Channing Tatum (as Mike, “Magic Mike” being his stripper persona), and Alex Pettyfer (as Adam, “The Kid” being his stripper persona). Basically, Mike teaches Adam how to be a stripper, get girls, and make money, but both characters evolve and change (sometimes for the worse) as the film progresses. Honestly, the best part of the entire movie was Matthew McConaughey, who played Dallas, the cheesy and potentially coked out owner of the strip club. The scene where Dallas teaches Adam how to strip for the first time was hilarious and had the entire theater laughing and covering their eyes with embarrassment. Oh, and the worst part of the movie you ask? ADAM’S SISTER. I don’t even care to look up what her name was in the movie or who she is in real life, because I really hated her. She looked like a man, talked like a man, and was way too uptight. Also, her laugh was an abomination.

Now… time for my criticism, not of the film necessarily but more so of the concept of the film in general. While at times this movie was deep and meaningful, the majority of the film was funny and outrageous. I kept thinking that if this were a film about female strippers, say, “Magic Michelle”, no one would be laughing. In fact, while the male strippers were portrayed as talented and ambitious, female strippers are usually portrayed as sad and pathetic. I kept thinking about the strippers who work at the Bing on The Sopranos, and how they are seen as skanky pieces of trash that can be slapped and pushed aside, or even killed (what’s up Ralphie). I know when my friends and I went to a male strip club for my friend’s birthday we were sick to our stomachs watching girls, most of them our age, treated so poorly by the male patrons.

Sorry for turning this movie review into a feminist rant, but I had to do it. Anyway, see Magic Mike with your girlfriends for a good laugh, or with your boyfriend/ husband so maybe he can learn something!

In my family, Saturday Night Live is not just a show, it’s a way of life. You might think I’m exaggerating, but come to any of our family dinners at Shun Lee and all you will hear are imitations of either Bill Hader or Kristen Wiig. My cousin actually saw Bill Hader on a random street in New York City, and literally ran after him just to get a picture. Personally, I love SNL because of its timeless humor. Even though pop culture has changed so much since the 1970’s, one thing hasn’t: and that’s knowing that every Saturday night at 11:30 pm (when the show is in season), the cold open will start and you will be that much closer to hearing, “Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!” In many ways, the show is like a party that all of America is invited to, in that we get a chance to laugh, hear some live music, and say goodbye with the cast when the credits start rolling. I think watching Saturday Night Live is a wonderful tradition to share with your family, even if you have to record it (kids are asleep, teens are out, parents are probably asleep also) and all watch it the next day. Here are some of my (and my family’s) top ten favorite SNL skits. What are your favorite SNL skits of all time?

The Californians 1

The Californians 2

The Fingerlings

Bad News Commercial

“I Broke My Arm” Digital Short

Kings of Catchphrase Comedy

Annuale Commercial

The Lawrence Welk Show

“On the Ground” Digital Short

Debby Downer at Disneyland

There are many, many more, trust me!